Reiterations and more

It is happening again – I’m rehashing things from the last year – it seems that I do it involuntarily. This time I was going over what happened after Promise Keepers last year... after I got back home, I was able to break the bonds that pornography had on me – at that point I had been addicted to it for somewhere around 10-12 years. But I was finally rid of it – too bad I was too scared to have her destroy it WITH me. Yes, that was the kicker – I was willing to be healed on the inside, but I still didn’t allow myself to open up, to show my closed wound – to show the scar. I was willing to say, to admit, to announce, that I had been delivered – but I couldn’t bring myself to admit WHAT I was delivered from. And I still was holding on to my addiction to NJA. It’s just so sad and stupid and unreal. I had happiness in the palm of my hand, but I threw it away to pursue the OTHER woman.

“Why would you do this?” you ask. I don’t know. She had been with C for going on 3 years at this point. They had already done EVERYTHING a married couple does, short of procreation. Yet still I held on. On and on and on.

But now I am free. And it’s a scary, scary thing.

Gut wrenching

Again, I am thinking back to all the times I ought to have proposed. Even in the last year, when things were at their worst, there were plenty and to spare opportunities. When she was in the hospital following surgery. At home, when I was caring for her. There was so much tenderness, so much love, so much caring at the time, yet I could only care for myself. SS offered good advice yesterday - '... you can't really force yourself to get your head together, it has to come in time, so don't kick yourself too hard.' But it still hurts. It still makes me wonder at the waste of all of it. Oh well, oh well, oh well. Life goes on, right? *Feeling ill* .. life goes on..

The Frightening Face of Freedom

This morning I finally came to grips with the frightening reality that I was finally and completely FREE. This freedom is what I have been (or thought I was) searching for. Only it was a freedom I did not think I needed to pay a price for. I have now discovered that EVERY form of freedom requires sacrifice. My freedom required sacrificing the love of someone that I loved very, very much. A word of advice - there's a reason why that PREVIOUS realtionship fell apart. Let it GO. LEARN from it. In all likelihood, you're NOT getting back together. And IF you do, you'd damn well better hope you both have made some major changes in your lives. Decide your priorities. Make HER more important than all the other girls. Make sure she knows it. Don't be afraid to let her know that you're afraid of things. She is too. But you can't face that fear head on without her knowing what is going on, for her to still be there at the end, after it all goes down. Machismo never built up a relationship.

Post-NMD

Today I got back from one of the hardest weekends of my life. She has moved on. She has a new boyfriend. I had so many chances, but I scuttled the whole thing long ago by staunchly refusing to make any sort of personal sacrifice, at least not the kind that really mattered to Her. The important ones. The important ONE - NJA. But none of that matters anymore. I thought that I would be happy with LEW, but I was only kidding myself - a foolish attempt at grabbing a collegiate fancy - no, a collegiate denial (thus making it oh so much more tempting and desirable - how did I not see this?). Something the Old Dear said last night really hit home - how you can be generous with possessions, but not generous with relationships. I think that is where I have my stumbling block. I can't let go, even when I am sacrificing everything else for the damning article. Curious how the mind gets caught up in all of this relational existentialism without being able to properly ground itself in the real world. All I can do is think of all the times I ought to have done what I knew was right. But all too often, I chose the path of least ressitance, the path of fantasy over reality, the road to ruin. Now the fantasy is over, reality has set in, and I am for the first time in a very long time, alone as an individual.