Post-NMD

Today I got back from one of the hardest weekends of my life. She has moved on. She has a new boyfriend. I had so many chances, but I scuttled the whole thing long ago by staunchly refusing to make any sort of personal sacrifice, at least not the kind that really mattered to Her. The important ones. The important ONE - NJA. But none of that matters anymore. I thought that I would be happy with LEW, but I was only kidding myself - a foolish attempt at grabbing a collegiate fancy - no, a collegiate denial (thus making it oh so much more tempting and desirable - how did I not see this?). Something the Old Dear said last night really hit home - how you can be generous with possessions, but not generous with relationships. I think that is where I have my stumbling block. I can't let go, even when I am sacrificing everything else for the damning article. Curious how the mind gets caught up in all of this relational existentialism without being able to properly ground itself in the real world. All I can do is think of all the times I ought to have done what I knew was right. But all too often, I chose the path of least ressitance, the path of fantasy over reality, the road to ruin. Now the fantasy is over, reality has set in, and I am for the first time in a very long time, alone as an individual.