Open Letter

Hello. You may not want to read this letter, as it may end up hurting you more than you have already been hurt. I don't even know if it is a good idea to publish these thoughts, these emotions, these explainations. But I felt like I needed to put them down onto paper to explain myself fully (if only to assuage my own bewilderments).

Here goes:

I think I stopped knowing YOU when you left. When you came back, you were a different person. You were no longer the girl that I was best good friends with - but I suppose I was a different person, too. *sigh*

So when we started dating, I think I was still seeing you as the person that you were before you left. Before you grew up, before I grew up. I'm not sure that I even know who the YOU is that I dated. Yes, yes, I know the superficial aspects, the hurt, the things you DO, but I can't say for certain that I know YOU. Maybe it is my ineptitude, my inability to divine, to define, aspects of YOU that are unfamiliar to me. Or rather, that I WAS unable to do. Unable to commit, unable to comprehend, unable to DO.

*sigh*

Sad. I'm afraid you got a hold of me at a very weird time in my life.

Sorry about that.

Such and nonsense

Well, today seems to be a day like most others - not sure what is going on in my head anymore.. i'm having a hard time sleeping well again.. losing my motivation to do 2-a-days.. i feel myself slipping back into my old routine.. not thinking, just doing. this is a problem. i can tell i'm stressing out because the skin on the palms of my hands is peeling again. this started happening about 6 years ago after i gave myself a chemical burn with linseed oil. now it's a stress indicator. weird.

talked to NJA yesterday on IM - i think things are coming to a close on that front. amicable, albeit sad. oh well. sometimes you lose on all fronts.